Tuesday, February 07, 2006

I avoided the super bowl party because our friends’ 21 year old daughter is pregnant by a real jerk and the situation is just bad. I didn’t think I could handle being around her. Yesterday, we had to go back and get some things we left at the house and she answered the door. I couldn’t just ignore the belly, so I asked when she was due. She started to tear up and told me May 4. I asked if she knew what it was and she said he’s a boy. Then she started to tear up.She told me she was adopting him out. I immediately asked if I could have him, but I know that would never work. She said she had found a great family in New York. The situation is worse than I even knew. She is back living with her mom. She also has a 4 year old. The father of the baby is living in a homeless shelter trying to get state money to go into rehab. She lost her good job, her apartment, everything because of this guy. He’s also 16 years older than her.She was so sad about my baby and so confused about how this could have happened. I never got my baby that we desperately wanted and she is stuck with a baby she can’t take care of. She’s upset when she feels the baby. She’s upset explaining to her 4 year old that he won’t have a baby brother. She was just a wreck. I told her some of the things she would be going through are similar to what I am going through. We talked for a while. I told her I would be happy to talk to her any time. We are walking distance from each other. I told her to just let me know what she needs. She is really scared about labor. She just wants a c-section and the baby taken away. I told her that if I could go through almost 24 hours of labor for a baby I couldn’t take home, she could do it to make a couple into a very happy family. She said maybe I could be there with her and I told her I would love that. I told her I would love to hold her baby for her if she felt she couldn’t do it. I feel so selfish now for avoiding her. I can’t even imagine being in her position right now. She’s going to have to deal with people asking about the baby all the time during the pregnancy, knowing she won’t be keeping the baby. I feel so humbled now. I hope I have the strength to help her, because I know she needs it. I can't stop thinking about her now. Thinking about going back to the same hospital where I delivered Cami, to hold a baby that the mother doesn't want seems crazy! But it seems so right. I don't know how to describe it. I told her that she needs to stop thinking about the past and start thinking about how brave she is to be doing this for someone else. I told her how scared I was when I was induced, but after I had the baby, I was so proud of myself for getting through the most terrifying experience of my life. I hope I can be what she needs.

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