Saturday, February 18, 2006

Monday-I visited the cemetery in the morning and left a small azalea plant with pink flowers. There was no one there. I thought there would be a lot of people putting things on the graves before Valentine’s. I left a small, pink, toy dinosaur on a little boy’s grave. He has other dinosaurs there and I wanted him to have one from our baby girl. I was crying as I left and trying to think of words for her grave marker. I need everyone to know how much we wanted this baby, without having to use the word, “wanted.” I came up with, “our hearts’ desire.” We went to the cemetery marker warehouse and picked out a stone for the baby’s grave. We chose one similar to this. We worked on the design and it will have a rainbow between two pine trees. As depressing as it was, I felt some relief that we made some real progress on this. I think it will be another step toward closure.

Tuesday-Valentine’s day! I volunteered to help with the party in my daughter’s preschool class. This was a huge step. We had just seen all the kids and parents at my daughter’s birthday party in December when I was big and pregnant. I don’t know how many of them know we lost the baby. I have been so scared to face them and have people ask, “How’s your new baby?” At the party, I focused on the kids and really didn’t socialize with the 2 parents who were there. I honestly don’t remember a single face from the party in December. I made it through the Valentine’s party and enjoyed spending time with the kids. They were just so loving. Afterward, I asked my daughter who the parents were. It turns out one mother was not only at my daughter’s party in December, but she was the mother of the little girl whose party I avoided in January! She must have known about the baby because she didn’t talk to me.

Thursday-I went to hand therapy for an hour. I have new exercises to do and I’m supposed to be doing heat packs and haven’t started that yet. I had a depressing day. I just started to feel like a real failure.

Friday-I had lunch scheduled with a few friends from work. I had been very nervous about it, but it ended up being great! I’m so glad I saw some people from work before going back on the 27th.


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