Friday, March 31, 2006

Not Ready to be a Grandma

My 19 year old stepdaughter is engaged to be married. My husband is not very happy about it. We are supporting her in her decision. I think it's easier because she's planning to have a September wedding. Somewhere in our minds we must be thinking a lot can happen in that amount of time. I just hope that whatever happens, she is safe and happy for a long time, even if I end up being a 35 year old grandma!

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Major Purchase

This week I made a major purchase. It wasn't expensive, but it will change my life.

Sunday, March 26, 2006


Friday, as I drove home from a rough afternoon at work, I was upset. I was thinking about how it would be nice to have a drink to wind down when I got home. I was frustrated. It was raining, hailing and sleeting for most of the drive. I was thinking about how I felt like my friends, coworkers and family seem to expect that I won't try to have another baby.
Suddenly, as I exited from the freeway to the highway, these massive rainbows appeared. They arched completely over the highway and you could see the ends on both sides. There was a thick, dark rainbow on the bottom, and a thin, pale one above it. I began to cry. I felt like the dark one was my baby telling me things would be okay. The light one was telling me there was another baby waiting for me.
As I drove, the rainbows crossed back and forth over the highway until I thought I saw the end of the dark one. I almost exited to find out what the building was that it was lighting up. Then I realized the rainbow was still moving. It moved right in front of me on the freeway, as if I could drive right up into Heaven. I drove through it instead. The colors lit up the hood of my car and then the windshield before disappearing.
As I continued home, with tears in my eyes, two more faint rainbows appeared around curves in the highway. When I got home and told my family, they said they had both seen rainbows earlier in the day as well. I felt comforted and at peace.

Monday, March 20, 2006

This is Not my Beautiful House

I had a meltdown this weekend. I just wanted my life back. I was supposed to be a new mommy, staying home with my baby. Now I'm vying for a more prominent position and climbing the corporate ladder. Sometimes I am so confident I am the best person for the job. Other times I wonder why I am even trying.
We are moving furniture around to make room for our new bedroom set. I got upset when I realized the nursery will be going back to a guest bedroom. I don't care if I have room for guests right now. I want a nursery and a baby.
I am grateful for all that I have and I know I am fortunate to have the family that I do. Sometimes I just yearn for what I will never have.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

No Closure

This week was rather "blah," if that's even a word. I felt numb. We received the electronic file of the baby's portrait and the final drawing is on the way. I love the portrait and think Dana did an amazing job. I just thought I would feel more closure. I have really been looking forward to having something to show people because the photos are too disturbing. I showed it to my daughter and she was thoughtful. I think she's trying to figure out who the baby looks like. I showed my boss, even though she didn't want to look. I asked if she wanted to see and she just got this really sad look on her face and was all choked up. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything, but I was so excited and she was the first person I saw when I came in. We talked a little about the whole experience. She doesn't really remember what happened after my husband called her. She said she was trying to rearrange the words in her head to give them different meaning. I hate that my experience has hurt others.

Sunday, March 12, 2006


The party was nothing like I expected. It wasn't even the group of people I anticipated. The only people we knew were our friends who invited us. It was held in a community center toddler room and was basically a handful of parents hanging out while the kids climbed around. No one mentioned our loss. It was like it never happened. I enjoyed snuggling their little girl and didn't break down at all. My mind wandered a lot and I was sad, but I kept the smile on my face.
I miss the alone time I had with my husband when I was taking leave from work. He was usually home by 3:30 in the afternoon so we had a few hours to ourselves. I miss that.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Birthday Party

We're going to the birthday party of our friends' one year old daughter. They adopted her and took her home right after she was born. I am very happy for them, as they had been trying for their own baby for many years. I'm sad that I don't have my little baby to show off to everyone. The last time I saw this group of people, I was pregnant and it was awkward because all the women were discussing their losses. I felt strange being pregnant when everyone was discussing miscarriages. Now I have faced the biggest loss of all of them, and I don't even know how to act. I hope someone will tell me I look good. I have been working hard on losing the baby weight, but no one seems to notice. I know I look better than a mother should, two months after giving birth to her silent baby. I hope someone will acknowledge that.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

More Autopsy Results

The doctor called back with more results from the pathology reports. They still don't have final answers. The cause of death is going to be listed as thromboembolic episode in the cord, or a clot in the umbilical artery. There were also clots in the placenta and the baby had a cyst on her kidneys, pulmonary hemorrhage and hemorrhage in her brain. They have been taking so long with the reports because they aren't certain how all these things relate to each other. They don’t know which happened first, but they believe the cord episode caused her death. OB said if I decide I want to try to conceive again, he will send me to a maternal fetal medicine specialist. They will probably do more tests to rule out any clotting disorders they haven’t tested me for yet.
I feel better about the fact that people are working on this and trying to find out what happened. I don’t feel better about future pregnancies. The main thing I keep thinking is that I hope she wasn’t in pain. I’m going to try and do more research and try and find answers. My husband thinks it could have something to do with Depo Provera since it caused so many other problems for me.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

How is Your Baby?

It finally happened and I suppose it was inevitable. Someone at work saw me in the break room and said, "I haven't seen you in a while. How is your baby?" I can't believe he didn't know! I just said, "I'm sorry no one told you, but the baby died." What else could I say?

Monday, March 06, 2006

A Lot to Digest

The weekend was not what I expected. My daughter was invited to another birthday party. I told her it was too late to RSVP because I did not want to go. It was to be held in the same place we held her party in December when I was pregnant. An hour or so before the party, I realized I was holding her back to insulate myself. I called the little boy's mom and asked if it was too late to RSVP. I told her about the baby and that I didn't want to ruin the party if people asked about her. She said she already knew about the baby and it was fine to come to the party. I got off the phone and cried.
Fortunately, my husband went with me. We rushed to the store for a gift and then went to the party. We stayed off to the side and didn't really speak to anyone. One mother asked how we were doing. In the end, I'm glad we got that event over and I'm glad I didn't stress about it for days.
We also got the quote for the grave marker and the sample drawing on Saturday. We were not impressed, so I did a new sample on the computer to send to them. We want a rainbow on the marker. The one they did only had four rows. I thought everyone knew there were seven colors in a rainbow. We also wanted pine trees, but they look bad. The new design I made has branches instead of full trees. They had the date on the marker in huge lettering and that really bothered us. I don't want the date to be the most prominent feature on the stone.
Sunday we attended our first homeowners association meeting. I talked to our neighbor, who is pregnant with her sixth. She has five daughters. She told me this one was unexpected. I am happy for people being pregnant, but I don't really want to hear about their babies being mistakes or accidents. She told me my daughter told hers that our baby died because of something I ate. I had a talk with my daughter, who is only five. She said that maybe that is what happened. I explained that wasn't the case. She started tapping her forehead and saying, "hmmmm, what made the baby die?" She was trying to figure it out herself. She suggested maybe a bone broke in my body or the baby didn't get enough food. The she said, "maybe she just had zero choices so she had to die." I had not realized she had been trying to figure it out all this time. I will have to be more conscious of these things.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Back to Work

The work week wasn't easy, but at least it is over. I found myself trying to find meaning in my work. It seemed everything I did was pointless and boring. I still like the people, it just did not seem like I was doing anything to contribute to society. I don't know why I feel the need to do that, but life is just very different now.
I was exhausted at the end of each day and mentally and emotionally unavailable to my family. I felt so disconnected from my real life. I now think of work as a kind of show I put on each day for money. I suppose we all do that. I am going to apply for a promotion and see how that goes. I meet all the qualifications and I know I would do a fabulous job. I do not know the politics behind their hiring plans, but it is worth a shot.
In addition to going back to work this week, I had to face other issues. We are finally at the top of the wait list to get the baby's portrait done. I am excited and nervous. I hope it turns out as I remember her when she was first born. We also received a call with the quote for the grave marker. They mailed the proof of the artwork and we should receive that in the next few days to approve. I learned this week of a third friend of mine who conceived on Christmas eve. I am happy for all of these friends, and I don't think I am jealous. I am curious though, and can't stop thinking about how many little ones were conceived as my precious girl was dying.
Last night I was trying to remember the week before we found out her heart stopped beating. For some reason, I could not piece together the timeline. My memories are blurring and I am not happy about that. We should get the final autopsy results in a few weeks. I hope that I am able to put the events of the past behind me and stop looking for answers that may never be found. I know in my mind that it is useless to keep rehashing things and trying to figure out what went wrong. I just can't seem to control my thoughts.