Saturday, March 04, 2006

Back to Work

The work week wasn't easy, but at least it is over. I found myself trying to find meaning in my work. It seemed everything I did was pointless and boring. I still like the people, it just did not seem like I was doing anything to contribute to society. I don't know why I feel the need to do that, but life is just very different now.
I was exhausted at the end of each day and mentally and emotionally unavailable to my family. I felt so disconnected from my real life. I now think of work as a kind of show I put on each day for money. I suppose we all do that. I am going to apply for a promotion and see how that goes. I meet all the qualifications and I know I would do a fabulous job. I do not know the politics behind their hiring plans, but it is worth a shot.
In addition to going back to work this week, I had to face other issues. We are finally at the top of the wait list to get the baby's portrait done. I am excited and nervous. I hope it turns out as I remember her when she was first born. We also received a call with the quote for the grave marker. They mailed the proof of the artwork and we should receive that in the next few days to approve. I learned this week of a third friend of mine who conceived on Christmas eve. I am happy for all of these friends, and I don't think I am jealous. I am curious though, and can't stop thinking about how many little ones were conceived as my precious girl was dying.
Last night I was trying to remember the week before we found out her heart stopped beating. For some reason, I could not piece together the timeline. My memories are blurring and I am not happy about that. We should get the final autopsy results in a few weeks. I hope that I am able to put the events of the past behind me and stop looking for answers that may never be found. I know in my mind that it is useless to keep rehashing things and trying to figure out what went wrong. I just can't seem to control my thoughts.


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