Sunday, April 02, 2006

Three Months

It is hard to believe it has been more than three months since we lost our precious little girl. I put her portrait above the fireplace with the rest of the family photos. My mother arrives in town today to stay for a week. I was thinking back to the last time she was here, for the funeral. It seems like it has been so long, but I notice things in my house that have been left in the same place since then.
Our nursery is now a real guest room with a queen bed and night stand with lamp and clock. I'm glad my mother will not have to sleep on a futon, but it is still hard for me to have that room as a guest room. The baby's things are still in the closet, as we just can't seem to build the courage to pack them up. I know they will get dusty, but I am just not ready to put them away.
I feel guilty that I have not been to the cemetery in nearly six weeks. I know she's not really "there," but sometimes I wonder if I should go there out of respect. I love the place and I miss going. My mother wants to go, so I'm sure we will return this week. We still do not have the marker ordered. We are in the design process and one of our contacts is on a month long vacation to Ireland.
I am going to try to keep the new little bean a secret from my mother. It will be a challenge! I want my family to worry about me for as short a period as possible. If I can hold out for a few months, I think it would be best. We get to meet with the doctor on the 13th to go over the final autopsy report. That will probably give us a better idea of our risks with this pregnancy. All I can do is hope that this will be our take home baby!


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