Monday, May 29, 2006

Marking Time

I've done fairly well so far not marking dates since we lost the baby, but this one is more of a challenge. It has now been five months. The baby's middle name was Quinn and she was to be our fifth child, although our first together. My daughter and I went to the cemetery a few days ago and brought her a plant. We all miss her so much.
I still repeat the moment the doctor told me she died, over and over in my head. I still can't believe it happened to us. How could this be? Now, it seems so far away. I hear women talk about how they just had a baby. That isn't me any more. I didn't "just" have a baby. It was almost half a year ago.
We've gone to the maternal fetal medicine specialist and he suspects we lost the baby to a placenta abruption. He's treating me for high blood pressure. I am so sad that my body may have killed my baby and I'm scared it could happen again. I talked to my regular OB, and he said he didn't treat me for that because my blood pressure was not high. We have to trust someone, so after a few days of tracking my blood pressure, we decided to just trust the specialist and I started the medication. I hope we made the right decision.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Memorial Day

Wednesday, May 24, 2006


Here is our hope for the future.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Stranger Comforts

I went to the cemetery after a day of difficult job interviews. I just felt I needed the peace of the cemetery and to talk to my little girl. For the first time ever, I wasn't alone. There were two women working on their mother's grave. They had planted flowers and cleaned up weeds. We ended up talking and they cried with me and for me. That may have been the first time I've been hugged by a complete stranger. It was so comforting. They mentioned how hard it was to be there around Mother's day and advised me not to go to the cemetery on the actual holiday. They said they will visit Cami's grave when they visit their mom. They talked about how wonderful it was that the grounds were covered with wild forget-me-nots, their mother's favorite flower. I felt a momentary sense of peace.

Monday, May 08, 2006


The last several weeks I have just felt uninspired. It seems like every day is the same. I pass milestones and more come along. It will never end. We passed the 4 month mark since losing the baby. I placed the order for her grave marker. I held a new baby for the first time. They are all steps, but I don't know if they are supposed to take me toward something or away from something.