Monday, May 29, 2006

Marking Time

I've done fairly well so far not marking dates since we lost the baby, but this one is more of a challenge. It has now been five months. The baby's middle name was Quinn and she was to be our fifth child, although our first together. My daughter and I went to the cemetery a few days ago and brought her a plant. We all miss her so much.
I still repeat the moment the doctor told me she died, over and over in my head. I still can't believe it happened to us. How could this be? Now, it seems so far away. I hear women talk about how they just had a baby. That isn't me any more. I didn't "just" have a baby. It was almost half a year ago.
We've gone to the maternal fetal medicine specialist and he suspects we lost the baby to a placenta abruption. He's treating me for high blood pressure. I am so sad that my body may have killed my baby and I'm scared it could happen again. I talked to my regular OB, and he said he didn't treat me for that because my blood pressure was not high. We have to trust someone, so after a few days of tracking my blood pressure, we decided to just trust the specialist and I started the medication. I hope we made the right decision.

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