Thursday, December 28, 2006

One Year Ago

One year ago I was 34.5 weeks pregnant and working on home on partial rest because of contractions. I was having contractions that morning, so I called my boss to tell her I was going to l&d again, for the 6th time that pregnancy. I told her I would probably just get a shot and be back to work that afternoon.
I left Brian at home installing the new tivo and drove over to l&d. When they hooked me up to the monitors, they had a hard time finding the baby. I knew something was wrong and I said so. This baby kicked all the time and it didn't make sense. They brought in another monitor and still no baby. They tried the handheld Doppler and found nothing so they called the OB.
I knew something was wrong, but it was taking so long. The OB arrived and started the ultrasound. He looked around for a little bit before saying, "unfortunately, there's no heartbeat." I said, "what does that mean?" I seriously thought I was going to have an emergency c-section and they would get her heart going, jut like on TV. The OB said, "the baby has died in the uterus." and proceeded to show me the chambers of the heart and where the blood should be pumping.
I just cried, “No! Not my baby!” over and over again. I tried to grab the cell phone to call Brian but couldn’t push the buttons. When I finally got to him, I just cried, “The baby died!!!” That must have been so horrible for him. The phone cut out and I handed it to the doctor and asked him to call. He called back and told him to get in right away. They ordered an official ultrasound to confirm the baby’s death. I thought they would do a c-section. I was telling the doctor I just wanted the baby out!
Unfortunately, they had to induce. While I was lying there, the nurse came to ask if I wanted the blinds closed. I told her I didn’t because I was watching the rainbow. There was a beautiful rainbow out the window. The 22 hours I was in labor may have been the worst hours of my life, but I am so glad I was able to go through them before the baby arrived. There were just so many thoughts I needed to work out. I spent a lot of time thinking of the things I had done to kill my baby. It was completely irrational, but I’m certain it was necessary. I considered that I had taken Metamucil the previous day. I considered the benadryl I had taken early in pregnancy. Was I not putting my feet up high enough as I worked? Had I taken a bath that was too hot? Was it because I missed some of my vitamins? How about Christmas shopping?
Brian slept next to me on the couch. I had an epidural and was not in pain. We cried throughout the night. The nurse told us what to expect. She advised us to look at the baby. She said that what parents imagine is so much worse than reality. This was the longest night of my life. Tomorrow I will add what happened the next day.

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