Friday, December 29, 2006

One Year Ago

I don't recall everything about the delivery, but a few points stand out. We had a very tearful and restless night. In the morning, I was checked for progress. The OB's switched shifts and I had a new doctor. They decided to break my water to get things moving. The doctors didn't think I needed to dilate all the way, because she was a preemie. I progressed quickly and I remember telling the nurse I was feeling pressure. I was checked and they discovered I was dilated to 10.
The doctor and nurse came in. The room was fairly dark and quiet. It only took a few pushes. The doctor had me stop pushing between contractions, even though felt I could keep going. He put his head down between pushes and it was very quiet. It didn't take me long. I remember the doctor saying she was big. I don't think anyone expected her to be 6 pounds 4 ounces and 20 inches long. She was the size of a full term baby.
When she arrived, the doctor spent some time looking at her and shaking his head. He didn't see anything wrong. The nurse took the baby and cleaned her up for us to hold. The doctor delivered the placenta and examined it. He said there was some calcification, like it was old, but he couldn't see any reason for her death. He apologized for not knowing what had happened and I told him it was okay. I couldn't expect him to know everything.
The nurse brought Cami to us wrapped in a beautiful, hand crocheted blanket with the standard hospital hat. She had prepared a preemie hat for her and had to go get a full size hat to match the blanket. I held Cami in my arms. She was so warm and looked just perfect. It didn't seem real. The nurse opened the blanket so we could see all her perfect little parts. She had beautiful curly hair. I did not touch her skin and I wish I had.
After a few minutes, my arm began to ache from holding her, so the nurse asked if Brian wanted to hold her. At first he didn't, but I asked him to. He was so sweet bouncing her in his arms. I am so grateful I got to see him holding her. We didn't spend much time with her. The nurse brought her to the nursery and stayed with her all day. My mother flew into town and arrived a few hours after the baby was born. She held her in the nursery and sang to her. I was asked if I wanted to see her again, but I didn't. I only needed that first little snuggle.
My stepson and stepdaughter arrived and kept us company a little while. My daughter, Ivy, was with her dad and had no idea she had lost her baby sister. I wanted to be there when she got home, so the doctors discharged me early. I was wheeled out to the car with a box containing her little hat, a certificate, her hand and footprints and a lock of hair. The nurse apologized for sending me home with a box instead of a baby. It was horrible.
When I arrived home, the hospital called to tell me they had forgotten to give me my rhogam shot. We had to go back! The nurse came to the hospital entrance and gave me the shot in the car so I didn't have to go in. We made it back to the house just as Ivy arrived.
My mother was telling my ex what had happened and Ivy was inside with her step-siblings. Brian and I brought her upstairs and told her that her baby sister had died. She cried and said, "She's not supposed to do that. She's supposed to be alive!" She cried her name over and over. We all just held each other and cried. What a horrible experience for a family to go through. I still repeat it all in my head each day and can't believe it happened to me. Every time I read about it happening to someone else, I am brought to tears again.
I am so sad for all the families who experience the loss of a child. I am grateful to have a new little life in my world, but I will never forget my sweet little Cambria Quinn.


Anonymous Z said...

there are never any words to help ease the pain of losing a child....HUGS...your sweet little Cami will be remembered forever...

10:44 PM  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home