Monday, April 30, 2007

Back Pedal

For some reason, watching an episode of House, MD made me do an emotional back pedal last week. A doctor on the show had accidentally killed a patient and the show explored his feelings. I wondered if there were any doctors and nurses who felt responsible for my loss. I had been in 5 times before for contractions with no cervical progression, yet they kept giving me Terbutaline, without even doing an ultrasound to check on the baby. Does anyone feel they may be responsible? No one ever said anything to me. Are they still wondering? Brian thinks no one feels responsible and most of the people who treated me during the pregnancy probably don't even know we lost the baby.

Saturday we went to the cemetery. It was beautiful and quiet, except for the woodpecker in the forest! We let the dog run around an empty field and left the sleeping baby in the car with the door open. I brushed an ant off Cami's grave. I have to use her name more often now because I can't call her, "the baby." Zaeden is now "the baby."

I'm trying to reconcile the cemetery in my head. Sometimes I think,"I'm going to visit Cami." Then I go through the process of telling myself she's not there and I'm not really visiting her. I suppose it is just a place to touch base with reality. I don't go very often any more. I go when I get to the point that I'm starting to deny I ever lost her. It would be so much easier to forget. Yesterday I put her things in a box and moved it to the back of Zaeden's closet. It's a diaper box. I felt a little guilty and then just shut my brain off and did it. I have you to find the perfect box, but decided I just have to do it anyway. Some day I will come across the perfect box.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Fund Raiser

I attended the annual fund raising luncheon for the Bellevue Community College Foundation. It was a beautiful event, as usual. I always appreciate the stories from students who have made life changes by gaining an education. I donated in Cami's name again. I am grateful to the college for all the support they provided after her loss and I think it is wonderful to help an organization that helps people in need go to school. You can see her name listed in the 2006 annual report.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Animal Sounds Pal

I bought Zaeden this crazy frog. The tag mentions how important it is to teach kids realistic animal sounds. Do these animals look realistic to you?


I hate when people say that, but that is how I feel today. I just want to say "whatever" to anyone who has anything to say to me. I try so hard to be supportive of all my real and online friends. I really do the best I can. I work and take care of my children and injured husband. I do all the housework. I walk the dog. I try to make people happy and help in any way I can, but I am not Superwoman. I can't do it all. If I have offended you, I apologize, but I just don't have the time to make excuses or justify my actions. You'll just have to be happy with an apology, sans drama.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007


My baby is almost six months old and I just can't believe it. I haven't even had time this month to update his Web site. I am taking fewer and fewer photographs. My big girl has a loose tooth and can ride a bike without training wheels! I feel old. I wish I had time to catch you up on all the wonderful things they are doing and all the boring drama that is my life.
Lately, I have been contemplating retiring this blog. I think it has served its purpose and it is time to move on. I won't make a definite decision yet. I do feel I am more interested in blogging about my professional pursuits and less about my family and personal life. I often think about how the Web has made it even more important to separate your work and family life.
Some people feel you should be transparent and you shouldn't be two different people. I don't believe that. I think you should be as many people as you want to be! My online friends are probably not the least interested in my career. I certainly don't want my boss to read about my personal life and I don't think I want my parents to know about any of it. I don't know the secret to having all these identities, but I will let you know if I find it.