Monday, April 30, 2007

Back Pedal

For some reason, watching an episode of House, MD made me do an emotional back pedal last week. A doctor on the show had accidentally killed a patient and the show explored his feelings. I wondered if there were any doctors and nurses who felt responsible for my loss. I had been in 5 times before for contractions with no cervical progression, yet they kept giving me Terbutaline, without even doing an ultrasound to check on the baby. Does anyone feel they may be responsible? No one ever said anything to me. Are they still wondering? Brian thinks no one feels responsible and most of the people who treated me during the pregnancy probably don't even know we lost the baby.

Saturday we went to the cemetery. It was beautiful and quiet, except for the woodpecker in the forest! We let the dog run around an empty field and left the sleeping baby in the car with the door open. I brushed an ant off Cami's grave. I have to use her name more often now because I can't call her, "the baby." Zaeden is now "the baby."

I'm trying to reconcile the cemetery in my head. Sometimes I think,"I'm going to visit Cami." Then I go through the process of telling myself she's not there and I'm not really visiting her. I suppose it is just a place to touch base with reality. I don't go very often any more. I go when I get to the point that I'm starting to deny I ever lost her. It would be so much easier to forget. Yesterday I put her things in a box and moved it to the back of Zaeden's closet. It's a diaper box. I felt a little guilty and then just shut my brain off and did it. I have you to find the perfect box, but decided I just have to do it anyway. Some day I will come across the perfect box.


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