Tuesday, May 08, 2007

My Nightmare

Last night I had the worst, most vivid nightmare of my life. I was in a medical clinic or ER or something like that. My OB was sitting at a little desk and called over to me, "Jennifer Jones, I don't know what is wrong with you!" I thought he was making a joke. I walked over and he was shaking his head. He said all this time he had been treating me to try to save a baby, when he had really been treating the wrong thing and could have been making it worse.
He told me I was dying and I wouldn't see my children grow up. He said I shouldn't even be standing up, but should be in bed. He explained that he didn't know what was wrong or how to treat it, but he knew I could not continue to live with this condition. I thought to myself that I had hope. I had a healthy baby. I had a different perspective and maybe I could help him find out what was wrong.
He showed me films of my lungs. On the right side, there was a huge area that was basically gone, except for these criss-crossing bars of tissues he called "towel bars," because they looked like a towel bar. He didn't know what they were, but knew I couldn't live with so much missing tissue.
He explained that they had been doing a file audit and he found the x-rays from when I had been in the hospital for pre-term labor. Apparently, they hadn't been reviewed at the time. We talked about whether or not what I had had always been there or whether it was progressive. We discussed whether it was disease, injury, etc. We were calm and methodical, trying to think of everything we could test for. We both decided I needed to be hospitalized and I probably did not have much longer to live.
I talked to Brian and we decided I should spend all the time I had left in bed with Zaeden just cuddling and nursing him and playing so he would have as much time with his mother as possible. Ivy and Brian would stay in the room with us so we could be together as a family for the time I had left. For fun, I fantasized about how Brian should spend my life insurance money. He was angry at first and then realized it was the only lighthearted, silly thing in my life at the time. I told him that once I was gone, he could get a cute, young nanny!
The dream was so real. When I woke up, I was crying and it took a long time to go back to sleep. I'm still worried because I tend to have dreams come true on occasion.

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